


There is no God

by lapoesieestdanslarue



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, un-requited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:04:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2019165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lapoesieestdanslarue/pseuds/lapoesieestdanslarue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve finally got Bucky back.</p>
<p>Steve loves Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky loves Natasha.</p>
<p>Good Lord.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is no God

**Author's Note:**

> It started off as fluffy and then it turned into something more. Forgive me.

Steve finally got Bucky back. Took a damn long time, but he's back, he's here, that's all Steve cares about.

Bucky gets on really well with the other Avengers.

(After they proved he wasn't a brain-washed assassin anymore, of course.)

Natasha especially.

Shared history, Buck says.

They were both in the red room together.

Steve just smiles and nods, and hopes he looks as happy as he's pretending. 

So it's hard for Steve to watch Bucky laugh and smile with these people, almost as easily as he would with Steve. It's Steve that helped Bucky get his memories back, it's Steve that wakes up every night to Bucky's nightmares, it's Steve that helps Bucky through it.

Not them.

He knows it selfish, good God he knows. But he can't help it. It's almost like a reflex.

He's brought out if his thoughts by Bucky slamming the door shut.

"Hey," Steve says, looking up from his now-soggy cereal.

Bucky's got a grin on his face. A big, shit-eating grin.  
Steve knows that smile. He'd recognise it anywhere. And he knows what it means. A girl.

"Me and Natasha went on a date," he says, swaying on his feet.

"Oh?"

"It went well, really well..."

Bucky looks a Steve, trying to tell him something, but Steve can't quite figure it out. Bucky wiggles his eyebrows. And then it clicks.

"Oh. Oh."

"Yeah," Buck replies.

"So you two..."

"Fondued, yeah," Bucky finishes for him.

"Oh... Well, uh, good. I'm...happy for you," Steve said awkwardly. He couldn't help the blush that crept on to his cheeks and tinged the top of his ears.

One part because of the fact that they were talking about fonduing, and another part because he couldn't help the mental images of him and Bucky, that kind of just...happened.

Bucky chuckled. "Thanks, Steve."

They sat (well, Bucky stood) in silence for a couple of seconds, before Steve clears his throat.

"I gotta go for my run," he says, standing up and putting his untouched bowl of cereal in the sink.

"But you haven't had breakfast, Steve," Bucky counters.

"Oh yeah, I'll be fine," Steve assures him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Steve says more forcefully than he means for it to come out. With that he's slammed the door behind him and doesn't say hi to Sharon when he passes her because he's already sprinting towards the park and the only thing occupying his mind is Bucky and Natasha.

Doing things.

Bucky and Goddamned Natasha.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Steve loves Bucky.

Steve loves Bucky so much that his heart aches when he looks at him.

It didn't come easy to Steve, the burden of loving James Buchanan Barnes. 

It took him ages to admit it to himself. It wasn't the fact that Bucky was a guy that turned him off. Far from it. It was because he knew in his heart Bucky didn't love him back. Not that way anyway.

They were best friends.

Brothers.

That's all Bucky see's them as.

But Steve smiles and laughs at the right places whenever he's with Bucky, or the Avengers, or Bucky and Natasha.

Because Steve tries to live by people's happiness, not by their sadness.

Whenever he goes over to Avenger tower or a press conference, everyone asks him how he's doing, how it feels to have Bucky back. He gives a big smile and says he's fine and that it's amazing that Bucky's back, it's like he never left.

But it is very much like Bucky left.

There's a crack in Steve and Bucky's foundation, and it's getting bigger and bigger with Bucky on one side and Steve on another and they're drifting, drifting.

Always drifting away.

The gap is getting bigger, and Steve's getting sucked in and soon it's going to swallow him whole.

Steve's been drifting away from a lot of people. Bucky, The Avengers, Sam, Sharon.

Bucky doesn't even notice.

He wishes someone could see how very not-fine he is.

He is far from fine.

He loves a man who loves someone else. How could he possibly be fine?

Steve had hope, at first. A tremendous amount of hope. Hope that Bucky would love him back. That all Bucky needed was time. That hope is fading now.

He stops his run. Checking his watch he realises he's been running for an hour and a half. He actually broke a sweat.

Steve's really loosing hope.

And when Captain America looses hope, that's never a good sign.

Let us pray that Steve Rodgers finds hope.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A couple of nights later, Bucky goes out with Natasha again.

Steve feigns indifference.

Pretends he's more concerned about his date with Sharon. (Which Natasha set up.) He's taking her out to dinner.

To a very fancy restaurant.

He doesn't know half of what's on the menu.

Sharon chats away, while Steve has to interrupt her every now and then when Steve asks questions like 'What's a salad narcosis?'  
Or 'Why is their so much cutlery?'  
(Answer: It's for all the different courses, apparently.)

Steve and Sharon talk.

Steve see's a whole lot of Peggy in her.

They talk about a lot of things, and Steve tries to ignore the twisting feeling in his gut of dread at the sheer thought of what Bucky and Natasha are at.

Steve and Sharon go home. He tells her he has a lot on his mind and just needs some time to figure it out. When he walks in, he see's clothes strewn on the floor.

What in the hell-

Oh.

There's a bra on the floor.

Oh God.

Steve turns around and goes out the door and up to Sharon's apartment. As soon as she opens the door, he's pressed his lips to hers and they're kissing.

Sharon is not an idiot.

She feels it in his kiss. He's angry. And sad.

But she won't ask questions, or pull away. She certainly won't pull away, because it's a damn good kiss.

She just lets it be. They'll talk later.

Steve awakes to Sharon's smiling face.

He smiles back and pecks her on the lips before he goes and goes back to his apartment and avoids Buck and Nat at all costs. So he gets on his track suit and goes for another run.

He runs and runs and runs.

Away from Sharon.

From Bucky and Natasha.

From every goddamn thing.

He tries to get rid of the images and thoughts of Bucky.

Tries to obliterate the guilt of having sex with Sharon.

The guilt of thinking about Bucky while sleeping with Sharon.

He looks up. Hell, he doesn't even know where he is. He checks his watch.

Two hours.

Steve Rodgers is most defiantly loosing hope.

Lord save us.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"You're never here, Steve!" Sharon argues.

They had been fighting last fifteen minutes or so. Sharon claimed Steve wasn't committed to their relationship (which had only been going three weeks). Steve said that of course he was.

Steve was lying.

"I'm here all the time!" He countered. "I bring you places and-"

"Not like that, Steve! I mean-You're here... Physically...But you're always so absent-minded."

Sighing, Steve replies "I know, okay, and I'm sorry but I've just got a helluva a lot on my mind right now."

"God, Steve, ever since Bucky and Natasha got together you've been avoiding the two of them like the plague- Oh my God," Sharon stops in the middle of her rant, realisation dawning on her.

"What?"

"Oh my God," she repeats. "It's Bucky, isn't it?"

"Bucky's what?" Steve asks.

 

"It's him! That's why you've been so distracted!"

"What are you talking about?" Steve asked, praying to God she wasn't implying what he thought she was.

 

"You love Bucky."

"I-I," Steve tries to deny it but the words won't come out. "I-" Finally, he gives in. "Yeah. Yes. I do."

Sharon puts her head in her hands.

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I thought maybe I could forget about him and move on," Steve mumbles, fidgeting with his hands.

"Oh God, Steve!"

"I'm so sorry. I wish I could love you the way I love him. I wish I didn't love him." The words are out before he can think about them and the gravity of how true they are hits him hard.

Because Steve doesn't want to love Bucky.

He doesn't want to love a man who doesn't love him back.

They talk for a while longer.

Sharon promises not to tell.

Steve can't go home because Bucky and Natasha are there.

He runs.

Steve Rodgers' faith in Bucky is fading quickly.

Steve Rodgers is a broken man.

Christ have mercy.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks things go from bad to worse.

Steve hasn't told anyone that he and Sharon have broken up.

(Not that many people knew anyway. Only Sam and Pepper.)

When Steve goes on missions, he can hardly think, he's so consumed with fear and worry for Bucky.

How is he meant to do his job when he spends most of it too concerned with someone else than the task at hand?

Steve feels more and more empty as the days go on. He doesn't really hang out with the Avengers, because they'll ask questions about Sharon and Steve's a terrible liar. Also, Bucky and Natasha are nearly always there.

Steve can't look at them.

It breaks his heart every goddamn time he lays eyes on the pair of them.

Bucky has drained him of love.

Steve's given it all to him.

He has no love to his name.

That's why he feels empty.

Because he's spending it on someone who doesn't care.

Later on that week, Bucky comes out of his room with a suit on and an un-done bow tie around his neck.

He fiddles with it in the mirror for a couple of seconds until Steve cracks.

"It's a shoe lace," he says.

"No, Steve, this is a bow tie."

"I mean it's a shoe lace knot, you jerk," Steve say, getting up off his stool and going over to help the poor sod.

His fingers grab the dickie bow and graze against Bucky's collarbone. Steve holds back a shudder.

They're so very close.

Their breaths wave over each other's faces as Steve's hands work on Bucky's bow tie.

"Me and Natasha are going out to dinner," Bucky says, his breath intoxicating.

"Lucky gal," Steve swallows.

'Kiss me Buck,' He thinks. 'Give me some hope. I'm loosing faith in you.'

"Yeah," Bucky chuckles.

'I love you.'

Steve finishes up on his bow tie.

"I think I love her," Bucky says absentmindedly, as he checks himself out in the mirror.  
Steve freezes.

His heart stops. It literally stops.

"Well, I'll see ya," Bucky says, patting Steve on the back.

Steve just nods.

"Um.. We'll be staying over at Nat's, so I won't be home tonight, just so you know."

Steve fakes a smile, and mumbles a 'mmm'.

Bucky goes out the door.

Steve cleans.

He sweeps and polishes and dusts and vacuums.

He re-arranges the book shelf.

He doesn't even realise he's doing it.

'I think I love her'

He runs.

It's lashing rain.

Steve Rodgers has been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders for too long.

He runs to the pier.

Watching the waves roll up and crash against the the stones, he takes comfort in the knowledge that perhaps nature is angry as well.

'I could jump. It'd be freezing. I'd drown. They couldn't save me. I'd be dead in a couple of seconds'

As he lifts his foot up to take a step towards the edge, he stops himself.

 

Steven G Rodgers is a lot of things, but a coward sure as hell isn't one of them.

So he walks home in the rain in his soaking wet clothes.

The second he's in the door the emotions he's been holding back for the past three months comes flooding out.

Sobs racks his body as he slumps down against the door.

He covers his mouth to try to muffle his cries, but it's no use.

He runs his hand through his hair.

"I hate this!" He screams.

Steve Rodgers never screams.

But he does hate it.

He hates everything about this situation- Natasha, Bucky, the twenty first century.

He hears a knock at the door and a quiet 'Steve?'

"Go away!"

"Steve? It's Pepper. Just let me in."

Slowly, he takes his weight off the door, and Pepper slips in quietly.

"Oh God, Steve, what's wrong?" She asks, bending down and taking his face on her hands.

"I can't...I can't..."

"Steve just tell me what's wrong!"

"No, I can't talk...!" He sobs, leaning into her.

"Okay, okay," She soothes, wrapping him in a tight hug.

He clings onto her as if she's the only thing holding him to the ground.

"I love him I love him I love him," he sobs quietly into her shoulder.

After a couple of minutes, they break apart.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.

"No, I just want to cry and drink beer."

So he cries and drinks his beer.

Pepper comforts him and eats Ben and Jerry's.

Pepper doesn't ask what's got him like this. She has a good idea, anyway

Steve Rodgers has most definitely hope.

There is no more faith.

There is no more love.

No more hope.

It seems God left Steven G Rodgers side a long time ago.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Bucky loves Steve.

Bucky's loved Steve since they were 14.

(He can't count the number of times he's dreamed of Steve's lips on his.)

But he can't be with him.

Because Bucky also loves Natasha, and he waited too long to tell Steve, and he's happy with her.

He's really happy with her.

You could be happy with Steve, too.

He pushes that thought away.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pepper proves to be an in-valuable friend to Steve.

She gives him the beginnings of hope in his heart.

Not hope for Bucky.

Or for love.

But for life.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It's been two months since Steve broke down.

He's still very broken.

Still very damaged, but not beyond repair.

He's healing himself, slowly but surely.

He's hanging around with the Avengers a bit more.

Getting more of a social life.

Being with Bucky more.

(He realised very early on that avoiding Bucky was just plain stupid. He couldn't stay away from Bucky if he tried.)

They go out for a beer one night. It's nice and relaxed and even though Steve can't help the way his heart hammers in his chest everytime Bucky flashes him that heart-stopping smile, he enjoys himself.

They talk and joke and laugh like they did way back when and don't mention Natasha or Sharon. When Steve and Bucky were together, you could have drawn a circle around them, a circle that didn't exclude Steve, that protected them from the world for a while.

Silence washes over them. It's not uncomfertable, though. Steve drinks his beer and Bucky sips his scotch.

"So.." Steve clears his throat. "How're things with Natasha?"

It almost pains him to say it.

"Good. I'm really happy with her."

"Good."

"...You think the Smithsonian would let me have my Ma's ring?"

Steve nearly chokes on his beer. "I dunno. Why do you ask?"

"I've just...Been thinking about our future."

"Why would you need a ring for your future?" Steve can feel his heart break inside his chest.

"If I want to marry her, that's why, Steve!" Bucky seems as frustrated as Steve.

"You've only been going out three months!"

"Well I'm sorry that I love her more than you," Bucky snaps.

Buck may as well have punched him in the stomach.

Steve's phone dings and he checks it.

It's spam.

Buky sighs. "Steve I'm sorry-"

"That was Sharon I've gotta go," He lies.

"No Steve wait-"

Steve's already out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve sits on the couch, alone.

Drinking beer, but hey, what's new?

He hears the door slam. Looking up, he see's Bucky standing there, soaking wet.

"I met Sharon on the way home."

"Oh."

"She told me you two broke up a month ago."

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Bucky snaps.

"Why didn't you tell me you were planning to propose?!" Steve snaps back.

"Dammit, Steve, I wasn't even serious! I was just wondering-"

"Oh go fuck yourself!"

Steven G Rodgers has never cursed in his life.

"What did you just say to me?!" Bucky fumes.

"You heard me! I'm sick and tired of hearing about you and Natasha!"

"Why?!"

"Because why should she get to love you and not me?" 

Steve steps back and takes a deep breath. 

It's out.

He's finally gotten it off his chest.

Bucky's silence is heart-breaking.

"What are you saying, Steve?"

"I'm saying I love you, jerk," Steve mumbles.

"Steve, I..."

"I know, you love Natasha. Believe me I know."

"No, Steve, I..."

"Look, she's probably-"

"Steve, goddammit just let me try something!"

"Try wha-"

And then Bucky's hands are on his face and his lips are on Steve's lips and it's everything Steve dreamed of and more.

And in that kiss Bucky got his answer.

It was Steve.

Of course it was Steve.

It had always been Steve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Say it. Say you love me."

"I love you, Natasha."

"Then why are you breaking up with me, Barnes?!"

"Because I love Steve more."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's six months after the kiss.

Steve is happy now.

Not just because of Bucky. (Though he is a major factor in it,)

Because he has friends.

Because the cracks in his foundation has been sealed.

Bucky, Steve and Natasha made peace.

(After twenty three attempts at friendship and one failed assasination.)

Steve Rodgers loves Bucky Barnes, and Bucky Barnes loves him.

Steve Rodgers has love.

Steve Rodgers has hope.

Steve Rodgers has faith.

Thank the Lord.


End file.
